Long distance relationships are not about fighting for something not worth fighting for. If you don’t feel like it’s worth is. Let it go. It means that it’s not serving you. Don’t just stay for the other person. You’re wasting the other person’s time.
And you’re betraying yourself, by not taking care of who you are. By not making yourself happy.
If you’re not happy, you can’t make the other person happy.
Don’t betray your partner, by thinking that you’re not breaking up just for them. When it’s actually that you’re not breaking up because you don’t have the courage. You’re too afraid of regretting this decision, and yeah sure of hurting your partner.
But here’s the thing, a relationship either makes you happy or makes you unhappy. It either enriches your life, or makes your life worse.It either helps you grow or it sabotages your growth. Which one is it for you?
Don’t just stay in a relationship for the fear of not finding such a great person again.
You will. There are.
Never stay in a relationship out of fear. Stay in a relationship out of pleasure.
If you feel doubtful and like it’s not worth it. And you’ve been feeling like that for a while, then… maybe it’s not worth it. Maybe it’s time you let go of it.
The truth is that you’ll keep suffering no matter what you do, whether you stay and you keep feeling unsure – you’ll suffer; or you leave and you regret it – you’ll suffer too. The question though is, which one of these options will help you grow most?
Will you grow most by staying or by leaving?
I am not fighting here on the blog to convincing everybody to keep staying in a long distance relationship, just because I want to prove that they work. I want you to stay in an LDR because you LOVE your partner and you’re DEDICATED fully to make it work.
If you’re not, or if your partner is not, then it won’t work anyways!
And if you feel like dating someone local would make you happier, then go ahead.
End the LDR and find yourself a new girlfriend.
You’re not cursed and obligated to stay in a long distance relationship, if it’s not making you happier.
I am a big believer that LDRs do work.
And I have no doubt that ANY couple could make it work if they wanted to.
But like with any relationship, it’s all a selection process, where people come together, they get to know each other and if one decides that the other it’s not a good fit, then they split up.
And just like that until you find a person you feel like it IS a good fit for you. Because that person may be compatible, but more importantly because that person KNOWS how to seduce you and keep you happy in that relationship.
Just like one of my favorite love experts says, love is not about finding the right person, it’s about doing the right things!
EXACTLY! I completely agree with that.
Not to say that compatibility doesn’t help. Because it certainly does! But once you know how love works. It’s easy to adapt to each other and actually BECOME compatible. But that’s the subject of another article.
For now, the point is that long distance relationship are TOO a selection process and MANY will fail, simply because the partners didn’t fit very well together. And not necessarily compatibility wise, but knowledge wise. One of the partner’s wasn’t good enough at making the other one happy.
And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s perfectly natural.
And yes, distance does amplify the struggles, it does make things harder and more uncertain, but it is CERTAINLY not the reason why most couples break up.
So going back to making an LDR work. YES it’s possible. I’ve done it. Hundreds of couples that I personally know, have done it. You can do it too. If you feel like this is worth it.
If not, then you don’t have to beat yourself up. It’s okay. Not all relationships are worth it. And not all relationship are supposed to work.
But how do you know if it’s worth fighting for?
Well it’s as simple as asking yourself: “Is this relationship making my life better or worse?” If it’s worse, then it clearly is not something worth keeping.
Of course, you want to look at it from a longer-term perspective “How did it make my life for the past month, happier of unhappier?”
“What can I do to improve it? Let me give it another month and try my best to improve it.”
And if things don’t change…
Look at it rationally. Don’t just hold onto a relationship if it clearly doesn’t serve you. JUST BECAUSE…
Just because you’re afraid of being alone. Just because you’re not sure you can find a local partner. Just because you don’t want to hurt your partner (hint: your hurting them anyways), just because you got used so much with this person, just because you’ve made all these plans… just because…
And I know that it may seem like I’m contradicting myself, and all the work that I do here at Long Distance Lover, by encouraging you right now to “give up”. But I am not.
Because I am ALL for fighting for a relationship where there’s reciprocal love and commitment. And ALL about letting go of a relationship where there’s no reciprocal love and commitment. No matter who’s the one doubting or not loving anymore… you or your partner.
And yes, there will be times when you’ll feel insecure, uneasy, afraid… but if you LOVE your partner then these feeling won’t even shake your COMMITMENT. You’ll admit that it’s hard and painful at times, but you’ll not even think of giving up.
When a relationship is really worth it. You rarely think of letting it go. You rarely if ever question it. And if those thought come to your mind, they leave as soon as they come.
Fear and insecurities about the relationship making it or being worth, are just clouds passing by, not permanent storms making your life hard.
If you start questioning it on a regular basis, that’s the sign that it’s probably not worth it.
That’s your intuition coming up, trying to make you listen. And if you don’t listen to it, then it will make you lose time, money, and nerves and in the end get your heart broken sooner or later.
So my friend… life’s too short to be in a relationship where you’re NOT completely sure you wanna be in.
Because if that’s the case, you are betraying yourself for not listening to your truth. And you are betraying your partner by probably neglecting them and making them feel more and more afraid and insecure.
Make yourself a favor and take the bold decision, you KNOW in your heart what needs to be done.
Deep down, you already KNOW what needs to be done. You just need to find the courage to do it. And if that thing is to FIGHT, then fight with all your heart. If it’s to let go, then let go with grace. And open yourself up for a new love.
And by the way.
This article is directed to the person who is UNSURE about the relationship.
And it’s a push for them to make the tough decision. It’s me giving you permission to live your life the way that will make you happiest.
If however you are the other person, the one who really CARES and your partner is the one questioning it… then guess what?
Don’t try to convince them to stay. Just the opposite, ENCOURAGE them to do what they think is best for themselves. Because if she’ll be happy she’ll make you happy, too.
I know you don’t want to lose your partner. I know that you love her. I know that you’d be destroyed if she’d leave you.
But if she wants to go, there’s nothing you can do to convince her to stay. And by letting her go, you might actually have a chance later on to get her back.
And don’t worry, you’ll deal with it. You’ll recover. And after a while you’ll realize that losing this person (who wants to go) was actually the best gift for you. Trust me on that.
There’s BIG mistake most of us make when our partner neglects us.
Too many of us tend to overcompensate and GIVE more when our partner starts to neglect us. We hope that by giving more our partner will appreciate it and give us the attention and affection that we so much desire.
But it never works that way. And it always work the opposite way.
The more we give, in that case, the more we push our partner away, as if we’re feeding them, and they are full, they don’t want the food anymore. And we take it as a sign to feed them even more… until they think of us as completely crazy. For not taking the “hint” to stop giving.
So again, if you are the one who cares, and your partner is the one who questions the relationship. Take it as a sign to give your partner the space she needs to take her own decision. Keep being nice to her, but pull away a little bit, give her less attention and affection, and see how she will respond.
If she cares, then she’ll “freak out” she’ll realize that she cannot lose you and be motivated to make this relationship work. So it means you did well by pulling away.
If she however doesn’t even notice that you pulled away, or even more, she enjoys it. Then it means that she really doesn’t care.
And that means that there’s nothing you can do to get her back right now. And it’s the perfect time to let her go. AGAIN don’t try to convince her of how good this relationship is. Simply let her go.
And don’t judge. It’s nobody’s fault.
Don’t judge or blame your partner for questioning the relationship, it’s not their fault.
And it’s not your fault either. Plus it’s the best thing for both of you at this moment in time to actually let go of each other.
Who knows, later on in a few months or years, you might find each other again, and pick up from where you left. But if now one of you is unsure, and keeps being unsure… then it’s best to let them go. If you don’t let them go, and instead try to convince them to stay, what you’ll do is only to convince them to leave sooner, and possibly NEVER come back to you again. Just because they felt your desperation before. And it was a HUGE turn off for them.
And I say that it’s not her fault because she didn’t chose to question things. She just suddenly stopped feeling the spark and thus started questioning if it’s all worth the struggle.
However the reason why she stopped feeling the spark it’s because you didn’t keep the spark (or attraction) alive. But again, it’s not your fault simply because you didn’t know how to do it. Nobody taught you. Actually everybody taught you the wrong thing: to be nice and satisfy, but never told you about being playful and challenging.
So this time it’s not your fault for letting this relationship slip between your fingers, because you didn’t know that you needed to build attraction, and how to do it.
BUT NOW, my friend, you DO know… and you’ve gotta learn how to keep love and attraction alive, because next time it WILL be your fault. And if you don’t learn now, I am certain that the WILL be a failed next relationship too.
So to conclude:
An LDR will only work if there’s both LOVE and COMMITMENT. Once one of these starts to fade, it just won’t have the necessary strength to survive.
So if YOU are the one constantly questioning the relationship, then that’s your SIGN to let go of it… Because if that’s the case, it won’t work anyways, as your commitment is fading.
But if YOUR PARTNER is the one questioning it and is not “HELL YEAH, I wanna be in this relationship!”, then you should be “HELL NO, I don’t want to be in this relationship!”
Don’t cling to someone who’s not sure about you. As much as it may hurt, let them go… and move on with your life.
